David’s Dénouement Delayed by Doggerel and Data

2 Samuel 19-24

The recap of our Old Testament Lessons from Morning Prayer continues with the final chapters of 2 Samuel. But don’t worry, David’s story will continue next week in 1 Kings.

Chapter 19

The rebellion has been quashed, but there are no parades. David is desolate over his son, and his troops slink back to their stronghold more like men fleeing a defeat than after a victory. Joab upbraids David, pointing out that David would have been in a better mood had Absalom slaughtered his troops, and the troops know it. If David doesn’t shape up, and that right soon, then far worse things will come to his house than Absalom.

David steels himself (probably sniffing back snot; I imagine David was an ugly crier). Although heartbroken, David still proved to be a canny king. He sent Zadok and Abiathar to go to the rebellious tribes of Israel, and suggest that they all will eventually call for the return of David as king; and they might as well get it over with rather than be remembered as the last one that dragged their feet (you don’t want to be like the New York delegation regarding the Declaration of Independence).

On his way back to Jerusalem, David is met by Shimei (he heckled David while he was fleeing, remember?), and boy, is his face now red… also brown because he groveled in the dirt before the king.

Also coming out to meet David was Mephibosheth (Jonathan’s lame son), who claimed that Ziba lied to the king about being a turncoat. David, not wanting to be bothered with sorting things out, merely orders that they split the inheritance of Saul.

Chapter 20

Yet another rebellion breaks out just as David gets back to his capitol. A fellow by the name of Sheba manages to rile up most of Israel, save for the house of Judah (David’s tribe). For reasons unstated, David has elevated Absalom’s commander, Amasa, as head of his own army, replacing Joab. To which, Joab responds less than kindly.

As Amasa is pursuing Sheba, Joab arrives with his own troops. He and Amasa (who are cousins) go to greet one another, and while giving Amasa a kiss, Joab slips his sword into his belly. He then takes command of the army, pursues Sheba into a town, which wisely lops off his head, and tosses it over the wall to Joab (the townsfolk, I mean, not literally the town).

Oh, and David learns that Absalom had made use of his concubines, so he shut them up, never to sully his bed again.

Chapter 21

Hey, so remember the story of the Gibeonites back in the time of Joshua? When they heard what Joshua had done to Jericho, they pretended to be ambassadors from a far-off land, and finagled Joshua into promising them no harm, in perpetuity and foreverness. Then, once they had his, and by extension, Israel’s, promise, they went, “Ha ha! We’re not really from a far off-land; we’re from right here, in Gibeon! We really got you, dude! You should see your face! Ha ha!”

And so, Israel was to live by its promise and do no harm to the Gibeonites.

Cut to some time later during David’s reign (we don’t know when, exactly. These next few chapters are kind of like the appendices in The Lord of the Rings, if they came right before the Eagles showed up at Mt. Doom).

There is famine in the land, and when David enquires of God the reason, he’s informed it’s because of what Saul did to the Gibeonites. Apparently, their trickery rankled Saul back when he was king, and he put a bunch of them to the sword. David goes to them and asks how he can make things right. All they ask for is to impale seven of Saul’s male descendants. David says, “Done and done.”

Later (the timeline is a bit foggy), David is fighting some Philistines. One of them, Ishbi-benob, is a giant like Goliath and nearly kills David before Abishai comes to his rescue. After that, his men implore him to no longer go into battle with them, as the blow to Israel would be too great. David retires from the battlefield.

Chapter 22

You know what? Psalm 18 is pretty good. You know what else? David wrote it. Might as well include a version here (maybe the author of 1 and 2 Samuel was being paid by the word?).

Chapter 23

The last words of David (but not really the last words; those come later, on his deathbed, in 1 Kings) are a brief bit of poetry. Then we get a list of David’s mighty men, his band of heroes, and some of their exploits.

First up is ‘The Three’: Ishbaal the Tahkemonite, Eleazar son of Dodo (heh) the Ahohite, and Shammah son of Agee the Hararite.

Ishbaal, the leader of The Three, killed 800 men at one time. Eleazar and Shammah, at separate times, stood their ground when the rest of the troops fled, and won the battle single-handedly.

Next are ‘The Thirty’ which include Abishai and Uriah, but not, interestingly, Joab. The author adds a few other notables for good measure, claiming that they bring the total to 37; but there are only 36. Math is hard.

Chapter 24

And not only is math hard, but it’s evil! David goes and conducts a census of his people, for shame! Why is this bad? Because the first means of controlling a population is categorizing them; and what David has done is note how many men he could count on to bear arms. Or, in other words, who he could conscript into his army. Remember, knowledge is power, and knowing is half the battle.

David regrets his actions (but doesn’t forget how many people were counted in the census) and inquires of the Lord how he can make right what he’s done. He’s given three choices: seven years of famine, three months of fleeing before your (David’s) foes, or three days of plague. David chooses door #3.

And that concludes our recap of 1 and 2 Samuel, but it is not the end of David’s story. That continues in 1 Kings.