Warriors, Witches, and Wives

1 Samuel 28 – 2 Samuel 8

Our look at 1 and 2 Samuel continues this week with the end of one and the start of the other. That’s right, you get two weeks of recaps for the price of one! You may notice that recaps of chapters get shorter and shorter as it goes on. I assure you, dear reader, that this is merely a technique of good storytelling, allowing our narrative to build momentum and urgency, driving us to the end (and is not in any way an indication that I wrote this in a couple of hours).

Chapter 28

Saul is really bummed that God no longer talks to him. Although he had previously driven out all magicians from Israel, he hears of one living in Endor: not the ninth moon of the planet Endor, where the Ewoks live and sing ‘yub nub’ (and eat humans, apparently), but a small village. This witch practiced necromancy, communication with the dead. Disguised, Saul went to her and asked for her to summon Samuel (who’s dead, remember?). The woman is slightly taken aback when she’s successful, kind of like Whoopie Goldberg in Ghost. Samuel proceeds to read Saul the riot act. He tells him that kingship has been “torn … from your hand” (remember the whole cloak motif?).

Chapter 29

The Philistines were marching on Israel, including King Achish, who, if you remember, David was serving. When the other captains of the Philistines caught wind, they gave ol’ Achish a good tongue wagging. “This is the dude who’s spent his entire life slaughtering us, and now you want to take him and his men into battle with us, against his own people!? Dude, he’s totally gonna crawfish and betray us!” Realizing that he was going to lose the argument, Achish sent David away.

Chapter 30

While the cat’s away the Amalekites will play. After being dismissed from Achish’s side, David and his troops return to Ziklag, his home base, only to discover that the Amalekites have burned it to the ground and taken all the women and children. David’s men were, understandably, a bit peeved, so David had Abiathar the priest, son of Ahimelech, go and get God on the horn to see if he should pursue and whether he would overtake the bad guys. God gave him the thumbs up and off he went in hot pursuit.

So hot in fact that some of the men collapsed from exhaustion. Wisely, David let the tired guys stay behind with much of their supplies, lightening the load for his crack troops who made mincemeat of the baddies and got back their women (and kids too, I suppose). He then divided the spoils equally between those who fought and those who stayed behind. He also sent a portion back to friends in high places about Judah, especially those in Hebron. More on that place, anon.

Chapter 31

Saul met the Philistines in battle at Mount Gilboa and had his ‘Balaam’s donkey’ handed to him. Jonathan and all his brothers were killed, and when he saw the straits he was in, Saul asked his armor bearer to run him through. The armor bearer noped out, so Saul fell on his sword. The armor bearer, too, fell on his sword (probably his own, not Saul’s) and when the troops on the other side of the river saw what was happening, they high-tailed it outta there and skedaddled.

The Philistines, being wicked pagans, found Saul and his sons, cut off Saul’s head, and impaled the remains on the walls of Beth-Shem. Valiant men from the town of Jabesh-Gilead snuck over there by night, cut down the bodies, and took them back to town where they were cremated.

Chapter 32

There is no chapter 32. The story is cut into two parts and just arbitrarily ends there, like Denis Villeneuve’s Dune (which is different from Mission: Impossible - Dead Reckoning Part One, which has now been retitled, Mission: Impossible - Dead Reckoning and the next one will not be part 2 but Mission: Impossible 8).

2 Samuel

Chapter 1

David and his men had been in Ziklag three days since they had recovered their kidnapped people, when an Amalekite came wandering into town with a doozy of a story. “See,” he said, “I came across King Saul, injured and dying, and he begged me to finish him off. So I did, and here’s his crown for you. Can I get some food?” But the dude was a bit startled by David and all his men tearing their garments and weeping. Like, surely, this was good news, right? He’s gonna reward me, right?

Oh how wrong you were, unnamed Amalekite, for you just admitted to killing God’s anointed. David called his men to kill him, and they introduced his innards to the sharp ends of their blades. Then, like emo kids everywhere when dealing with strong emotions, David wrote a poem about it.

Chapter 2

David got his tuchus back over to Judah and settled in Hebron where he was anointed king, but Abner (not Ravenwood, but son of Ner), commander of Saul’s army, made Saul’s son, Ish-bosheth, king. Probably more like a puppet-king. Anyway, it took about five years for Abner to consolidate the northern tribes around his puppet, and he would reign for about two years.

The two groups met in battle, David’s men getting the upper hand and routing Abner and his troops. David’s nephews by his sister, Zeruiah, Abishai, Joab, and Asahel, chase after Abner. Asahel, being the fastest, was gaining on him, so wily ol’ Abner hit the e-brake and skidded to a stop while sticking his spear out behind him, running Asahel through (which makes me rethink the wisdom of St John’s mad dash to the tomb and his bragging about beating St. Peter. Maybe fastest isn’t bestest).

His remaining brothers continue the chase, but by now they are entering into Abner’s territory, and they call off the chase, but not before bitterness, hatred, revenge (and everything else un-Jedi) lodged in Joab’s heart.

Chapter 3

And David grew in strength and Ish-bosheth’s position weakened. Nevertheless, Abner wasn’t doing too badly out of the deal, his own name growing in renown. Feeling pretty good for himself, he took one of Saul’s old (as in previous, not aged) Concubines. Ish-Bosheth was a bit miffed; Abner didn’t even ask permission! But Abner let him know that Ish-Boshesh was only on the throne because Abner put him there.

Realizing his precarious position, Abner made some overtures to David, but David said there was no moving forward without the return of his wife, Michal (you know, Saul’s daughter). So Abner persuaded Ish-Bothesh to take her away from her new husband, Paltiel, and give her back to David. Paltiel wept and followed after, but Abner gave him a ‘go on, git!’

Abner went up to Hebron and David hosted a feast for him, but when Joab caught word, he was incensed. This was the dude who killed his brother, who had been fighting against David for going on seven years.

Later, Joab sent word to Abner to let bygones be bygones, but when they met, Joab stabbed him in the belly, with the help of his brother, Abishai. David cursed Joab, his brother, and his whole house, but he did not dismiss him from his service.

Chapter 4

With Abner gone it was only a matter of time before David was king over all Israel, so two brothers, commanders of Ish-Bosheth’s (more probably, Abner’s) raiding parties, Baanah and Rechab, figured they should probably switch jobs to get in good with the new boss. They attempted this by sneaking into Ish-Bosheth’s bedroom and cutting off his head while he was sleeping. You can imagine David’s reaction… he had them executed… and wrote a song about it.

Also, we learned that Jonathan had a son, Mephibosheth, but he had been crippled. Back when Saul and Jonathan had been killed, his nurse had tried to flee and save the child, but dropped him in her panic.

Chapter 5

Then the rest of Israel got onboard and all proclaimed him King (again), and they marched on Jerusalem, seat of the Jebusites, who said that there was no way he could defeat them. So David defeated them, and it became the city of David, and he went on a major redevelopment spree, aided by generous donations from Hiram, King of Tyre.

And the Philistines tried to strike at David, but David (and more importantly, God) was having none of it.

Chapter 6

David brought the Ark of the Covenant into Jerusalem, and there was much dancing and partying, but David’s (first) wife Michal was none too happy about his cavorting about with slavegirls in nary a stitch of clothing. There seems to be a subtle hint that she’s the daughter of a king, and he’s only a simple hayseed, now with a harem, and only wants her around because it legitimizes his claim to the throne. There may be some truth to that because David and Michal never have kids.

Chapter 7

David is at rest in his home, having been granted a respite from endless battles, when he began pondering. David’s house is pretty awesome, but the Ark is sitting out in a tent! Maybe David should build Him a house. To Nathan the prophet David went, and at first, Nathan was like, sure, why not? But then God came to him in a vision and told him that it was not for David to build His temple, but for one who was to come.

Chapter 8

And David defeated many enemies and received much tribute, and Israel was coming to be highly esteemed by its neighbors and feared by its enemies. Things were looking good. Too good.