David practices bigamy and Saul gets caught with his britches down (also, Samuel is dead)

1 Samuel 22-27

We continue our recap of our reading of 1 Samuel from Morning Prayer this week. In this installment, David is in his wilderness years. As Bela Lugosi says in ‘Ed Wood’, “Home? I have no home. Hunted. Despised. Living like an animal!”

Chapter 22

David is hiding out in some caves and his whole family comes to him, fearful of what Saul might do to them. David appeals to the King of Moab to take in his parents and protect him. I’m sure you remember that David’s great-grandmother, Ruth, was from Moab, so he had some distant relatives there. David collected around him a collection of brigands and lowlifes, men who for whatever reason had run afoul of society. They took off for some forest environs, kinda like Robin Hood.

When Saul got word, he was incensed. He was incensed that people were helping David, he was incensed that his son, Jonathan, had helped David, and he was incensed that the priests had helped David. He couldn’t do much about the first two, and it wasn’t looking like anyone was going to help him with the third, but then Doeg the Edomite (boo hiss), always ready to lick boots, volunteered to do the dirty deed (done dirt cheap) and killed 85 priests!

Chapter 23

Although running for his life from King Saul, David still had some Philistine skulls to crack. When he got the news, Saul and a bunch of thugs went after David and chased him round about. On the verge of catching him, Saul was told that the Philistines had invaded his territories, so he had to call off his revenge.

Chapter 24

After dealing with the Philistines, Saul really had to tinkle. Being a bit shy, he made for a cave to make potty. Unbeknownst to him, David and some of his men were also using the cave (not as a latrine, but hiding out). David snuck up on Saul and cut off a piece of his cloak (the cloak again!). David was instantly remorseful. You see, although Saul was a miserable piece of work, he was still King. He’d been anointed by God, and that’s nothing to sneeze at!

However, that doesn’t mean he can’t be taunted. And after Saul exited the cave, and making sure he was out of harm’s reach (David was no fool), he let Saul know that he’d cut off some of his cloak, but that he’d never harm him. Saul seemed a bit taken aback (who wouldn’t? Can’t a man take a tactical wee in peace?), and even seemed to acknowledge David’s superior position, vis-à-vis, his relationship with God (also, his superior bladder control).

Chapter 25

Samuel is dead. That’s it, no foreshadowing, no build up, just dead. The man the book is named after gets one sentence here. I guess the narrator had bigger fish to fry, so let’s kick some dirt on the casket and get back to David.

David and his boys were in the vicinity of a wealthy bloke by the name of Nabal. Now Nabal was a real jerk, but his wife, Abigail, was a stone cold fox, and not too shabby in the brains department. Anyhoo, David and his band were in need of some victuals (which is pronounced ‘vittles’, by the way. You’re welcome.), so he sent some heralds to parlay with Nabal. They told him they’d been in the area for a few days, hadn’t messed with his livestock, and even made sure his fieldhands came to no harm. So, see? We’re good dudes, can we have some food ‘n stuff?

To that Nabal replied, ‘Nuts!’ and said some pretty insulting things. When David got word, he grabbed some of his toughest dudes and marched off to settle Nabal’s hash. But who should meet him along the way but Abigail with a bunch of supplies? She convinced David not to kill her husband and calmed his ire by explaining to him that he had been righteous up until now, so why ruin himself with revenge over such a loser like Nabal (she wasn’t a fan).

When Abigail returned home, she informed her husband of what she had done, timing it to exact as much pain and humiliation on her nasty husband as possible. So much so that he turned to stone (metaphorically). God smote him ten days later.

So then David turns around and marries Abigail! And in what is becoming a habit with our narrator, he drops the bombshell that, oh by the way, David had also gone and married a woman named Ahinoam at some point.

In the meantime, Saul had given his daughter Michal (you know, David’s first wife?) to Palti, son of Laish, who was from Gallim.

Chapter 26

After playing cat and mouse for a while, it happened that the shoe was on the other foot (and metaphors were mixed). Saul was encamped, and David’s spies knew where he was! David snuck into the camp and lo and behold, there was Saul, sleeping like a wee wittle baby… aww, look at the little guy all tuckered out. But wait! He’s not a defenseless infant, but a dangerous baby! He’s got his giant spear by his side. David decides not to kill him in his sleep (he’s still a good guy, remember? And not a good guy from the 1980s onward, who would totally kill someone in their sleep. No, he’s a good guy from the old days). But he does take his spear.

But then, in scene reminiscent of the cave from earlier (but less urine smelling), he and Saul have an exchange of words across a chasm (so poetic!).

Chapter 27

David started to wonder how long could he keep running from Saul, so he made for Gath and offered his services to the king, Achish (gesundheit). After looking over David’s impressive resume (it said not to contact his old boss), he took him into his service, and also gave him the town of Ziklag (which I’m including because I like the word ‘Ziklag’).

Now King Achish thought David was going to go raiding his old stomping grounds; after all, that’s the area he was familiar with, and also, the Israelites were trying to kill him. But David, still the white hat, instead raided in the opposite direction, all the way towards Egypt. He left none alive to tattle on him, and he brought back enough spoils that Achish was more than satisfied. So much, that he made him his bodyguard!