1 Samuel 1-9 (tldr)

Ah, summer… a time of barbeques, sandals, and mosquito bites. For those of us living into the church Kalendar (the ‘K’ makes it extra churchy), it is also the time when we renew our relationship with 1st and 2nd Samuel during the Daily Office of Morning Prayer. Here’s a brief recap of what happened this week.

Chapter the First

We are introduced to Elkanah son of Jeroham son of Elihu son of Tohu son of Zuph, son of… we don’t know. The author thought going back four generations was enough. Also, Elkanah was an Ephraimite, because he was from Ephraim. Try to keep up, people!

But what we really care about are his two (count ‘em, two!) wives! It’s true, right off the bat, this story is getting spicy. Elkanah’s two wives were Hannah and Peninnah. Now our boy Elkanah loved Hannah, but with Peninnah, he was kinda, meh. But Peninnah gave birth to children, and Hannah hadn’t been able to conceive. Peninnah, being a… we probably shouldn’t say… but she used to mock poor Hannah. Elkanah tried to cheer her up, asking wasn’t he better to her than TEN sons, and that went over back in the olden days as you’d imagine it would go over now.

So Hannah would go to the temple at Shiloh where ol’ Eli was priest, and offer up prayers for a son. Eli saw Hannah, muttering and weeping to herself and admonished her for being drunk (spoiler alert, Eli isn’t the fastest man on the uptake). Hannah had prayed to God for a son and promised him to God. Eli said he’d see what he could do, you know, ‘cause he worked for God and all.

Anyway, lo and behold, Hannah gave birth to a son who she named Samuel and after he was weened, she brought him to the temple and ‘lent’ him to God.

Chapter the Second

Hannah offers up a prayer to God. You should check it out, it’s pretty good. It might seem familiar for anyone who participates in Evening Prayer (honestly, it’s almost like reading the Old Testament is helpful in understanding the New. Huh, who knew?).

Every year Elkanah visits Eli and Samuel at Shiloh and brings a new cloak for Samuel (spoiler: pay attention to cloaks). Then, some old dude shows up to rip into Eli. Now Eli really deserved it. His sons, also priests, were doing things that men of God ought not to be doing, let alone on the steps of the altar. Eli is told the fate of his house. Not good stuff for ol’ Eli. Or his sons.

Chapter the Third

God (doing a voice over) enters our story. He speaks to Samuel. Samuel, thinking it’s Eli talking to him, asks, “What’s up?”

Eli, ever the slow to comprehend, tells Samuel to go back to sleep. This little farce is repeated until Eli finally realizes it’s God speaking to Samuel.

And as time passed, everyone in Israel came to know that God spoke to Samuel. He was kind of a big deal.

Chapter the Fourth

Recall the words of Marcus Brody in Raiders of the Lost Ark:

“The Bible speaks of the Ark leveling mountains and laying waste to entire regions. An army which carries the Ark before it… is invincible.”

Knowing this, the Israelites loaded up the Ark and set out to give the Philistines what they asked for. Now the Philistines were known as the “Sea-Peoples” who fled the so-called “Bronze Age Collapse.” They came from the Aegean, possibly from Crete, and the settled in Canaan, along the coast near present day Tel Aviv and established five city-states in the area and worshipped Baal, Ashteroth, Dagon, and Beelzebub. All these were the gods of the Canaanite people, and it seems they synthesized their old Gods with those of the Canaanites they conquered/absorbed.

Anyway, the Israelites thought it was high time to finally rid the land of the Philistines, and loaded up the Ark to use its power to destroy their enemy. After all, Israel’s enemies are God’s enemies, right? Unfortunately, they didn’t bother to, you know, actually consult God about their plans. So God let the Philistines spank them and take the Ark.

Indiana Jones: “Didn't either of you guys ever go to Sunday school?”

(Apparently, neither did the Israelites.)

The Philistines were pretty impressed with themselves… at least until the tumors and rats started showing up.

Eli died, his sons died, and his daughter-in-law died. Also, he was fat-shamed by the author (“for the man was old and heavy”—1 Sam. 4:18).

Chapter the Fifth

Now the Philistines were pretty pleased with themselves and believed their gods had defeated the God of the Israelites, so they went and placed the Ark in a temple of Dagon. Big mistake. The first thing that happened was Dagon’s statue fell over. Dagon’s priests said, “Hmm, that’s odd” (but, you know, in Philistine, not English) and they went and righted the statue. Then the head and arms of the statue just broke off and, to emphasize the point, the people of the city were struck down with tumors and a plague of rats. Rats!

So, they thought, “Hmm, maybe it wasn’t Dagon who gave us the victory, but another of our Gods? You know, maybe one who has a temple in another city!” So they moved the ark to another city, but this time the tumors showed up on… how should we put this… areas where your bathing suit covers. They tried to move it to a new city, but the tumors broke out even before the ark got there. Even worse, getting tumors at this point was good news because it at least meant you weren’t struck dead. Thus it was decided: give it back to the Israelites.

Chapter the Sixth

The Philistines loaded the Ark on a cart, along with five golden rats and tumors (sing, “I’ve got a golden ticket,” but replace ‘ticket’ with ‘tumor’). Israel got the Ark back but lost some dudes when they tried to peek inside. Why doesn’t anyone listen to Indy? Don’t look at the Ark!

Chapter the Seventh

The Philistines were looking for payback but this time, the Israelites consulted Samuel (who, remember, has God on top of his ‘Favorites’ list on his phone). The Philistines get thrashed and everyone is happy with Samuel.

Chapter the Eighth

No one is happy with Samuel. By this point, some time has passed, he’s gotten hitched, had a couple of sons, and they’re old enough to follow in their father’s footsteps and take up the family business as priests. Unfortunately, much like his predecessor, Eli, Samuel’s sons are a mess.

The people call for a King, so they can be like the other nations. A king is a very useful thing, they say. A king will crush our enemies, see them driven before us, and then we’ll hear the lamentation of their women.

The thing is, Samuel has been judging Israel for decades at this point. Hasn’t he been crushing enemies? Hasn’t he been interceding for God on the people’s behalf? Isn’t that better than a king? What am I, chopped liver?

But God tells Samuel it’s not Samuel they’re rejecting, but me. So give them what they want… give it to them good and hard.

So Samuel goes to the people and says, “You want a king? Fine. But you’re not going to like it when he starts taking your money, your goods, and your daughters for his own. You know, king stuff.” But the people were insistent, so Samuel said, “Fine, I’ll find you a king.”

Chapter the Ninth

Samuel hadn’t found a king yet. But one day a tall, strapping lad named Saul appeared (seriously, he was impressive. Think of Gaston in Beauty and the Beast). Now Saul’s father had a couple of donkeys that had run away, so he sent Saul and a servant to search high and low for them. This Saul did, diligently, searching to and frow, hither and yon, but to no avail, alas (and alack).

The servant (unnamed, but at least he got a speaking part) suggested they go see a local ‘man of God’ and get religion involved. Samuel can’t believe his good fortune. Why go looking for a king when one walks up to you out of central casting?

Next time

Samuel is anointed. Also, the donkeys get found.